Friday, March 15, 2013

The "M" Word

It's an ugly, painful, sad, heartbreaking, sorrow-filled word.  And most people don't like to talk about it.  But it happens.  More often than we all realize.  And now, unfortunately, it is now part of our story.  

We have experienced two miscarriages in the past five months.  I honestly never thought that would happen to me.  I'm sure that's what a lot of people say, but it's true.  There is no family history on my side and it's not something I've known much about.  I am so grateful to have the love and support of my amazing husband and loving family, friends and church family.  I ended up in the ER about a month ago with (long story short) infection after miscarriage.  One thing I've learned through these experiences is that miscarriage is a process, not something that happens in a day.  I will write more on that crazy weekend another time.  We are doing much better now - time really does help heal wounds.  It doesn't mean that our wounds go away, they just are less painful than they used to be.  Our situation has also opened my eyes to the hurt all around me.  The saying, "Be kinder than necessary for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle," really couldn't be more relevant.  Throughout all of our family (extended and otherwise) we have felt the pain of death, job loss, divorce, unexpected pregnancy, cancer, suicide, miscarriages, ER/hospital visits, surgeries, infertility struggles - and all of that within the last two years in one way or another.  And if you widen the time frame, there is even more heartache.  

The truth is, every family has some kind of pain they are probably currently experiencing.  Some kind of pain that deeply impacts everyone close to them.  That will forever change how their family lives and loves.

I am happy to say that in the midst of pain and loss and heartache, we have hope.  As we have come to rely on God's grace and peace especially during these past few difficult months, I find myself thinking that I don't know how people get through difficult things in life without God.  He really is the giver of true peace, a "peace that passes understanding."  And He really is the Healer of all things.  We have been so blessed to see how God uses His people and the church to be His hands and feet.  Through encouraging words, loving gestures, meals, prayers, time, flowers, servant hearts and phone calls, we have seen God's love immensely.  My eyes still get teary every time I start thinking of all the amazing people God has used to bless us.  

While we will never know the why behind our miscarriages, we know that our babies will never have to face the harsh reality of this fallen world.  We know that God's timing is better than our timing.  We know that God is in control of our family - even though we had to learn this the hard way.  Twice.  We are reminded that our children ultimately belong to God and He entrusts them into our care, if only for a short while.  

Of course we have our moments.  When I'm missing my babies especially bad.  When I think how great of a big brother Caleb would be.  When I see other couples struggling to even get pregnant, but I have a little boy that will run and give me a big hug and say, "I wub you Mommy."  I know that I am so blessed.  The past six months have taught me to really value all the time I have with Caleb.  I know it is precious and I do not take it for granted.  I never realized how precious until recently.

Thankfully, I am physically feeling great and we are both doing well emotionally.  For anyone reading this that has experienced miscarriage, infertility, loss of a child: I am so sorry.  I know there is hope - it may be a plan that we originally never would have wanted, but hope indeed in the midst of loss.

Thank you to everyone that has reached out in one way or another over the past several months.  Every gesture means so much to us.  

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for sharing and being so open to letting God use your story. We love you guys and will keep you in our prayers.